| gotta catch the midnight train, first to paris then to spain |
[04 Feb 2009|04:05pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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new order - waiting for the siren's call |
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i think i may be in the very early (and i mean VERY early) stages of a plan.
now it's a matter of staying focused, disciplined and not being so easily distracted. ha!
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[09 Dec 2008|06:12am] |
insomnia these last few weeks.. gkjdfl;gj
reading super old school livejournals from high school is pretty weird.
i'd actually care to write an entry, but mother and brother are now up for work / school and i just don't like writing when they're around. i need my sacred space, maaaaan.
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| 60-70 days max |
[04 Dec 2008|04:00am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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i have had that fucking womanzier song in my head for days |
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ok, the epiphany came.
time to go.
my brother joked that i'm not "wired for lowell", i laughed. then something snapped and cracked in my brain.
i have no business here. i just don't. the goal was to buckle down and save some cash, but instead both of my jobs went to shit and the few bucks i have occasionally go to funding my sanity while being "that guy on the couch" @ friends' places in boston.
part of me would love to say that being here was a waste of time, but i think i learned a lot about myself these last four months. positive things came of this, probably will continue to hopefully and most significantly, gave me the sight needed to see that i will always be a city kid. it's the only way i can function.
AHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T WAIT YAYYYYYYYY
more later
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| ... yowza! |
[19 Nov 2008|02:34am] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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Klaxons - As Above, So Below (Justice Remix) |
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i've recently started posting again and the last two entries have been like, "OMGZ LOWELL IS LO-HELL, THIS CITY IS DEAD, BORING AND MOSTLY GHETTO!"
and it still is. but the 4-5 days i'm in boston generally make up for it. so i suppose it can be safely said that i'm not pulling my hair out quite as much as i was previously. that's a plus. i am however void of any working hours and am not certain as to when any will become available again with either jobs. it kind of feels like i went from this hectic 2-job schedule to zilch in a matter of a few weeks. how does that happen? i understand the economy is in shambles at the moment, people aren't eating out a lot and certainly not buying a ton of wine - but C'MAHHN.
i've began contemplating returning to either urban, trader joe's or EVEN, - wretch - h&m, if any of them will take me back. it seems that each place are fairly desperate for help, i'm fairly desperate to work more regularly and i did kick ass at all three. may not have made the most graceful of exits, but.. who knows! i had coffee with three women from trader joe's yesterday:
one was 40 years old.
another 67 years old.
my favorite, 73 years old.
love those bitches. mikey and his cougars, LOOK AT HIM. (i wish i had taken pictures!)
life gets progressively more bizarre as the new england cold fronts presses on, but i'm optimistic. i'd really love to read a brilliantly written book. not something historic or terribly dry, not something in regard to screenwriting or television composition as it's often sterile and all i've been reading lately. any suggestions would be grrrreat! oh, and no vapid celebrity (auto) bios. i just want a nice story, that i can wrap my head around and yet feel intelligent after reading.
do-the-dance! DOTHEDANCE.
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| weeeell, ok |
[16 Oct 2008|02:07am] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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music |
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vampire weekend |
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lowell isn't that bad.
i just had a few glasses of wine that night and felt the urge to associate with other human beings in my tipsy state, but found NOTHING. on top of that, i left my phone charger in boston over the weekend and let's just say i feel a large void in life without a working cellular telephone.
but yeah, i took a nice walk last night. wicked nice out, smelled like fall, was all about it. the smokehouse while often feeling like more of a pain in the ass than anything, is pretty cool. tonight was "friends and family night" which then turned into.. unofficial open to the public night. on top of the estimated 500-600 people that were invited, another good 200 or so showed up assuming it was now open to the entire public. eventually i think people just began to lose their ability to turn anyone down, hence chaos ensued.
but i love chaos, so despite not being able to seat everyone i promised - it was fun, crazy, and some of the fastest 7 hours of work EVER. i ate and smoked next to nothing all evening, but was so busy i never had a second to dwell on it. i have however, gained an immense appreciation for those in the restaurant business. dealing with drunk people under pressure, yikes. dealing with clearly obese families with children, spending 3 hours at one table, my god.
however, i still cannot WAIT to be in boston this weekend. it will bring me such, such joy.
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| lowell |
[14 Oct 2008|02:34am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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CSS |
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this place is so fucking boring that it's almost painful. i'm sorry, but coming back here from living in boston for 5 years is not an easy adjustment. it was ok in the beginning, i enjoyed a solace tuesday here. sometimes a sunday, whatever. but now it's just overwhelmingly bland since i cut down my hours at the shop in beacon hill, i tend to forget my phone charger at friends' places in boston and i go out in the middle of the night in lowell to empty streets to smoke cigarettes and there's nothing but silence.
a friend of mine gave me a lecture in regard to not being "that guy on the couch", recently, and at first it made perfect sense and i began to think that cutting down my workload in boston would be best. i have a really great opportunity in lowell to expand my horizons in a different field. when i'm training at the restaurant, it's cool! but once i leave it's like i'm in fucking high school all over again. mom comes to pick me up, and then i get home and just sit here since everyone works 9-5 M-F and just.. SDJFHLSDJKL
i guess i am just better suited in a city. maybe i need to focus harder on getting to california than ever before, but in the same token - i am more comfortable in boston than ever before, aside from not having a solid, standard, living space. do i just focus on securing a place out in a more desirable part on the city or do i suck it up in the most boring of so-called cityslashtowns where nothing goes on in my neighborhood, i have almost no outlet to a social / interesting / anything and try to save money so i can move to los angeles, pitch my dreams to a television network and hope for the best?
fucking hell.
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| ahh, get of my hair already! |
[12 Dec 2006|08:15am] |
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mood |
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 finally sleepy, damn |
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music |
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sufjan stevens - "they are night zombies" (fitting) |
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the subject refletcts my stance on 2006 overall.
i'm ready for it to be done. so ready. in a way i find new years and resolutions and people starting that new lease on life in light of a number in the year changing to be kind of fruitless. if you really wanted to turn such a vast amount in your life around and start some new quest for greatness, why not get off your arse and apply yourself.. TODAY?
i'm my own biggest hyporcite. haaaaaa.
you know, it started on this rough yet somehow connected note, my dad passing kinda sent things tumbling for a bit but then i woke up one day with the idea that i was gods' gift to the good green earth and that i could do aaaanything!
then somewhere during that time period i kinda used my cockyness to my advantage somehow and found myself really applying myself to my dreams and my goals. got involved with a lot of projects i feel passion for, and had a blast executing challenges put in front of me. i also found myself pushing away somebody i care for immensely around this time. started making minor victories i had into major celebrations that 7-8 times out of 10 almost always got out of control. aka i was 21 now and taking belligerent drinking to new heights.
then gradually everything kinda went to shambles from there. lost a lot of friends in '06, for sure. i blame myself a lot of the time, but i also tend to look back at those people and what they're like now and wonder if we really were so wonderfully compatible as i had onced strongly believed. there's still lingering questions when it comes to some of those kids, but it's been such a no answers/ no resolution shmorgasboard that i just rest on that notion of it not really being what i thought was in front of me.
and now? don't know, man. big ups, some of the hugest downs and now just sort of a lull for the moment. what now? pssh, no clue. i just feel the new year coming to be especially symbolic this time and i'd love for it to actually mean something for once. 2006 was a ride that had way too many bumps in the road. and this is the kind of neurotic introspective crap that goes through my head as i'm struggling to fall asleep at 7am.
if i've seemed distant or vacant in one respect or another recently, it's because my head is a little frazzled from all that's gone on in the last 300something days. not sure what to make of a lot of it, not sure what to think of what comes next or what i need to focus on to really get myself on track. i don't have a lot to say about a lot, which is why i think i may been in a bit of an anti-social hermit funk -- but alas, there is a drive to figure it out and some days i feel more positive about it than others.
...
nothing i haven't said at least once before, but at least i think i've completely exhausted myself so i can sleep. swell.
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[21 Nov 2006|02:14am] |
i am better than this. i know i can do better than this. i keep dwelling on the idea that i'm only a few months shy of being 22 and i'm not where i want to be overall, on a lot of fronts. mostly the front where i'm a cashier at a fucking "specialty" grocery store (that pays me well alas) and i know there are plenty of others at my store much older and definitely much more educated than i doing the same thing. i guess i just never envisioned this and every time i try to conjur up ideas as to what i can do to better myself i come up with bupkis.
i know this isn't permanent, i know that if i really put my fucking head to it and really set some goals for myself that this could be a distant (sometimes fond) memory in my head. i just can't focus a lot of the time. when i'm off, i'm exhausted. i loaf. i can't do that anymore. but i also can't figure out what it is exactly i'm looking for, either.
a lot of times i find myself missing my old job and the perks that were there. but even back then i was loathing the service / retail industry. AH.
school? is that the answer? moving? i feel like i can't really do that realistically, but there's got to be something for me somewhere. right? i feel like i could truly be succesful somewhere, doing something. i have a scatterbrain full of ideas but no drive to actually apply myself to explore any of them. pessimism and lethargy conquers me a good percentage of the time, but with the new year approaching, i feel like i may be coming into a time where i'm actually ready to do something about it instead of daydreaming and or complaining about it.
ps, me like 6-8 months ago? gross. what the hell was i thinking?
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| i very randomly went to new york city and loved it |
[21 Sep 2006|03:08am] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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music |
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goldfrapp |
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i decided on a few things in the last day or two.
if you wronged a friend, they would tell you why.
if you were a bad person, a friend would tell you why.
if you sounded like a broken record day in and day out
a friend.
would tell
you why.
i guess they're not worth being upset over anymore, but i can't seem to get them out of my head and wondering what exactly it was that ended so many friendships in such a short span of time.
i'm trying to take control of what i'm capable of taking control of, and i'm adamant that this spell of.. indescribable.. you know, i don't even know myself what this is but it has to stop before i really drive myself off the deep end. i refuse to let myself go that far.
happy mikey is coming back one of these days.
one of these days.
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[05 Sep 2006|03:51pm] |
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ahh!
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[23 Aug 2006|09:51pm] |
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mood |
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 sexy |
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music |
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FRRRRRANZ FERDINAND |
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dear fauvela,
things in the fall are going to change. for serious. i need more skyscrapers and less allston / brighton / brookline. more mannequin dressing and table merchandising. less thickly accented elderly russian women. less hipster that are bonkers over organic food. hot. walking, running, show-going and music promoting.
love you bitch, bye gorgeous
- your favorite nubian
ps i am cooking a spinach feta pizza and project runway will be on in almost a half hour. it's going to be sexual.
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[22 Aug 2006|02:14am] |
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1995 garbage + beer + by myself writing private entries = love.
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[04 Aug 2006|09:16pm] |
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mood |
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 wwwoooowww. |
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music |
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new pornographers - streets of fire |
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i am in dire need of more beavis & butthead in my life.
the legacy of 71 chester street ends soon, it is sad, but i cannot wait.
i'm reading a lot!
i scheduled me some therapy. may do some good, eh?!
spent some quality time with the mum and the bro this week, their importance magnifies more and more lately. kinda wish i had sight of that a long time ago! (dakoulas, your dvds are in my posession)
my uncle told my brother the devil controls me. and that's why i am pierced, listen to loud music and have the lifestyle i do. my aunt then chimed in that he doesn't need to be a "spitting image of michael".
I LOVE UBER CATHOLIC REPUBLICANS THAT I AM SOMEHOW RELATED TO. l;dfkgl;dfkd
this has been the most random thought process ever, i am surely in a state of delirium.
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| essentially it's whatever |
[03 Aug 2006|01:19pm] |
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mood |
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 done |
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nothin' ever came from lovin', man
oh man ain't that the truth
unfortunately.
but i suppose it's whatever in the end. you gotta find out who your real friends are sometime, right?
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| run baby run |
[11 Jul 2006|03:04pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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garbage - run baby run |
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most people dread winters, i think i have come to dread summers. aren't people supposed to look forward to summers? isn't that when everything is grand and wonderful? granted summer of sin '06 has had some definite highlights, i can't say i can recall them to the extent i'd like and that's kind of scary to think about.
my mom has come through for me a lot in the last few weeks and has played a significant role in helping me get myself together. i've noticed whenever i decide to write in this thing it's to express how badly i need to re-assemble myself. she and chris have really been the only ones who have been of any assistance in that endeavor and i will love them both eternally for that.
(i miss my dad)
silvia was in that category for a little while early on, but i've come to realize she's just about as crazy as i've been and i really can't rely on her or anyone else for that matter. i have to do this myself. i'm all i've got in the end and that might actually be enough. i'm glad i can come to that conclusion and finally be comfortable with it.
however, in all of this realizing that self-reliance is the only solution to getting oneself back on track -- one particular group of people who in one form or another have also helped me since i was a little kid, are still somewhat of a crutch when things are the worst:
Life can be so cruel
Don't it astound you?
So when nothing seems too certain or safe
Let it burn through you
You can keep it pure on the inside
And you know what you believe to be right
So you're not gonna crack
No you're never gonna crack
Run my baby run my baby run
Run from the noise of the street and the loaded gun
Too late for solutions to solve in the setting sun
So run my baby run my baby run
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| get it together. |
[29 Jun 2006|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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all over the place |
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music |
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the beach boys - wouldn't it be nice |
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i am so desperately seeking a way to get my shit together.
job? check.
everything else? um..
godfuckingdamnit mike, get it together!
i had the most bizarre dream about amy greenwood, taking back sunday, my father, jimmy cooper, mcdonalds and my lipring all in one. i think this dream represents just how crazy i am and when i have more time, i am probably going to describe it in explicit detail -- because i have not recalled a dream so vividly like this in a long time and i think it may represent why i am and have been in shambles for some time.
i'm optimistic, though. i hope the optimism isn't fleeting, like most other things in my life.
get it together, mike.
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| "you did about 200 somersaults in the span of 20 minutes." |
[12 Jun 2006|06:27pm] |
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mood |
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 it's whatever |
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music |
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freezepop |
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while my interactions with the people who work at trader joe's was pretty fantastic, considering i went in on a whim per suggestion of nick mallia - i am almost certain that my application translated to this:
HI I'M REALLY NICE, BUT A LITTLE CRAZY. AND I CAN'T DO MATH. PLEASE HIRE ME.
i feel like it went well. but the app probably makes me sound like a moron. and the last person i knew to work there was not fond of me, and somehow i assume they all probably loved him a lot. hopefully the guy i had a mini interview with isn't too close with said former enemy. (we made ammends on the 66 once)
we'll see what happens. siiiiiigh.
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| i probably sound like a self-help book or an AA meeting member or both |
[10 May 2006|05:05am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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bloc party - this modern love |
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well, then.
i have been a mess lately! truly a mess, but in the meantime i suppose i've had.. some? good times?
losing my job sent me on a bit of a drunken spiral for a few weeks and in the meantime, i lost my wallet, (on the same day of losing said job) then in the following week, found my cell phone, turned it back on - and lost it the next day.
finally, yes finally. something clicked. "HEY UM. YOU'VE BEEN DRUNK AND LOSING EVERYTHING FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS NOW. THAT'S AN INDICATOR THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG?"
said my brain.
today i came to an epiphany that perhaps getting back into the swing of being pro-active and hell, maybe even productivity? wouldn't hurt, and may even.. who knows! help a lot?
i started with overhauling my apartment, again. but this time with more dedication while i have a small amount of money to throw around and some time to devote to making the place a smidge more liveable and less chaotic. chaos is what's making me the most spacey, besides already being a space cadet as it is. so as much as i once thrived on chaos i've decided it's time to getting things in order, slowly.
when i say slowly, i mean i'm going to pick apart every last little thing that may be causing overload in my life and seperate uh, the bad from the good? i started that today in respect to my physical surroundings, made a somewhat ambiguous first-step conclusion regarding my emotional-hormonal dysfunctions previous to that (who knows where that one will end up, that will be chaos overload no matter what i do) and in the professional scheme of things - in an entirely trudgingly slow first step in the matter of occupation!
i am finally going to update my resume!
this is sarcastically huge because i've been swearing this for weeks. tomorrow i will continue to clean and then prepare for the job hunt - which i intend to begin on thursday.
i swear i have not become a television series based on that ridiculous movie, "kids" !
mmk uh, bed. yep.
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| IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU: |
[08 Apr 2006|12:09pm] |
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mood |
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 psyched |
] |
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music |
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go team - bottle rocket |
] |
and then come dance some more at my place. it's 71 chester street in allston. (apt 5) OFFICIAL AFTAPAHTY OVAHEEEAH. bring your friends, and bring your own booze, especially. we are poor boys.
lauf alwayzzzzzz,
michaeljames
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